Even Cleaner Than A Cleanse

I gained 2 pounds back over the weekend – this is beyond frustrating considering I fasted 16:8 and ate clean keto (less than 20 net carbs), which used to be all it took to drop the weight. I went over 3 years in the right direction, except for being pregnant of course, but even then I only gained 8 pounds. Then December 2022 came, I gained 5 pounds, and now I’m in the dreaded keto stall. I’m afraid the time has come for drastic measures.


I know, I know, it’s water. It’s so healthy and clean and refreshing. I love nothing more than to sit with my husband by some water, to swim with the kids in the pool, to take a beach trip and spend all day in the salty surf. I know water is a friend to skin, hair, weight loss and many other things health, and I know that you’re supposed to drink a shit ton of water on keto. Yes, I’m losing the swearing and water resolutions this year, thanks.

I just don’t like drinking so (so so so) much water. I like it when I’m in the mood for it – a great big glass when I wake up in the morning (after weighing myself), when I come in from working or playing outside, but mostly I find it kind of boring. Drinking a lot of water makes me feel bloated, and full – part of the point, I guess – but also makes my stretched-out-from-too-many-babies stomach muscles feel every bit as pregnant as I do after too much dairy, or holding hands with my husband (IYKYK) Yikes.

But maybe water is the magic bullet to breaking this mother$^&*ing stall. So I’m doing it. Right now. No other cleanse this week, other than 80-100 ounces per day of clean, fresh, delicious, boring as hell water.

Today I fasted until 1:00pm. At that point I had consumed three 8 oz glasses of water, six if you count coffee. I had a very low carb lunch of pork rinds dipped in creamy queso flameado with spicy shredded pork and felt grossly full, probably because of the water. I went back to another cup of coffee and then contemplated if I could count all of the coffee toward my goal, or if I was actually stuck at 24 ounces of water. When my hubby pulled in from work, I was at 24 ounces of water and ashamed. So I put a little Mio sweet tea flavoring into a big glass of water and chugged it – 16 more ounces down the hatch. That was much better, so I filled another 16 ounces and put the Mio, and a straw in. Added a few ice cubes and suddenly I was a shot of vodka away from a real drink!

It’s nearly dinner time and I’m at 60 ounces of water and 32 ounces of coffee – depending on how much of a water purist you are I’ve technically made it and the night’s not even over!

Important thoughts for Day 1 of my Water Cleanse: flavored water goes down easier, a straw is essential to continuous sipping, does coffee count towards my intake?

The difference between this “cleanse” and the others I’ve been rambling about is that 1) it’s not an actual cleanse, and 2) if I do it right I will drink this much water for the rest of my life. Let’s see how badly I want to lose these last 17 pounds, shall we?


Published by Michaela Ingram

Michaela Ingram, creator of thefoorce.com, thecentralparkzoo.com and abckitchentexas.com, is a music teacher and keto chef with a wonderfully supportive husband and 9 amazing children, ages 1-22. Her writing has been featured in Special Parent and Big Apple magazines as well as on childmind.org, mommypoppins.com and nymetroparents.com. Her keto and gluten free treats can be found at Marinas Bakery in League City, Funky Monkey in Friendswood, and multiple Luigi's Pizzeria locations. She also enjoys working as a music ambassador for Daniel's Music Foundation. Michaela left her fast-paced life in NYC for an even more exciting adventure in Texas, where she works a lot, plays a lot and sleeps a little. She loves cooking, music, writing, chickens, anything outdoors, homeschooling, and crazy big family life. To check availability for catering, events, in store products, writing and speaking engagements, please email mingram1122@gmail.com.

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